11..F***

i have nvr been so vulgar before but after the break up, all the vulgarities start to come out from my mouth...was hurt ytd and today, was depressed ytd and today...talk about ytd first..at first thought could teach her swimming coz she say she want me to teach, den can spend more time with her again...but.....she say dun need le...nvm.....still got the worse to come...coz in the evening had to meet eric and yini to discuss the itc proposal at 6 at je, den ask her to come along, den tell her dat i waiting for her at the pool deck, DAT WAS A STUPID DECISION!! i waited till 4.30, thought after lesson ended she would hurry go wash up but i was wrong...she continued to play with her friends and i got a little fustrated and i went down to the little pond dere and stone, after stoning for 25 mins, i went up, hoping i dun see her but i saw her, walking to their bags, which means they just finished playing la...fine....i was damn pissed off at dat time and so i left the school..but on my way to the bus stop, i thought, i am now trying to change so dat she can like me, so i shouldnt be like wad i am in the past, so impatient. and so i told her dat i will wait for her at the bus stop until 5.30...den it starts to rain all of a sudden...i start to get worried, coz she confirm nvr bring umbrella one, so scared dat she will get drenched and fall sick, so i took out my umbrella and decided to go back to school and share the umbrella with her to get her out of school, when i was crossing the road, she called me and told me to go off first, i said i want to share umbrella with her and i'm going back to school now but she told me got alot of ppl den she insisted on asking me to go first...FINE!! i go off...i am extremely pissed off by then...like she will care liddat...if i tell her dat i am unhappy or wad, she will only say "sorry", or "dun be unhappy/pissed off" or "dun liddat la"....no other nice phrase can be heard...went to the meeting feeling so pissed...wad to do...at dat moment if anyone were to offend me, i would have punched dat person until he or she lie flat on the ground manx....

today was even worse...went for mrc first session, dunno anything den nobody tell me anything, she oso nvr tell me anything or wad to do, so just follow her, den reached dere liao she oso nvr care me or teach me anything, so just watch wad the seniors do lor...den after the presentation, she came up to the cage looking so unhappy, wanted to ask her wad happen but dun want la..den going off for lessons dat time, she talked to her friend like as if i am invisible...still say want to be close friend with me, how can she do dat when she dun wanna talk to me...everytime ask her anything she will say anything , den most of the time oso nth to say....i just find dat the gap between us is getting bigger and bigger...haix...den afternoon went to np, quite ok just dat i knocked my head against the wall outside np room, knock until damn hard can.....now touch oso will pain manx...den start to have slight headache liao, den see the time still early so thought of going back to help out in mrc...rush all the way back...wanted to help but it seems like the pres. dun quite like me or wad, den i know sth bad is gonna happen, and its true, during the debrief dat time he ask me why i am here den tell me dat if i am not needed den dun have to go dere and den tell me dat i can go home liao....FINE!!! dun need me, i go watch movie la....i just merely want to help and learn some things but say dun need me dere, fine lor, i go...hao ren mei hao bao, ytd liddat, today oso liddat...be a good guy for wad...nobody likes it or appreciates my help...WADEVA!!!! den from the moment i came back to help to the moment i left the mrc room, she look so unhappy, she dunno dat her facial expression has told me dat she dun wish dat i am dere coz she is afraid dat i am dere coz she's dere and afraid dat ppl will still think dat i am her bf....i just wanna tell her la, i join mrc is purely coz i want to learn and i find it quite interesting, NOT BECAUSE OF HER!!! fine la, since i am not welcomed in the cca, i might as well dun join, fuck off la... like i only can go dat cca liddat....give me dat kind of face...ytd still yue hao today go home tgt...in the end guess wad she told me..."u want go back first? its ok, i can go back with my friends." so she is trying to say dat i am not her friend la, i cannot go home with her la....am i right?! if she really treat me as her friend, she dun have to be afraid of wad other ppl will say....fine lor...dun want dun want lor...after the movie i went to the bleachers to watch the night sky and listen to music, cried abit...coz thought of the past again...den went home very unwillingly and feeling pain in my stomach coz nvr eat anything for dinner, just eat tidbits during the movie...so wad if i have gastric? all she will say is only to ask me to eat every meals....waited for that stupid bus to come, so long la, wait until she oso came out liao...i was like a bomb dat can explode anytime so didnt wanna talk to her....if she were my stead now, things will have been alot different but she chose to be a friend of mine, well, a friend? i dunno if she still treat me as a friend, but wad i am sure dat soon, we cant be friends anymore...she only noe how to treasure some of her friends, but not me...took me for granted...dats how it seems to me now...dun think she needs to confirm her feelings le...i can straightaway tell her dat she dun have feelings for me le...if she has, she will not be doing wad she is doing now....hurting me so much, again and again...

i really dunno how to fa xie my anger now....i want to scream, i want to punch sth...xing li hen duo men qi....i need someone who can really lend me a listening ear and is able to cheer me up...if only u are still my stead...........