20...we cried...

i was so close to death today..went out with my mum, didnt really went willingly la coz dun have the mood to go anywhere but if i dun get out of my house, i will suffocate...my mind was filled with wad happened on the second night of ITC...the night dat the 3 of us cried and felt so bad and guilty...i didnt look at where i was walking, many times my mum was holding on to my arm but an accident almost happened to me...i was crossing the the carpark den a car came in my direction, i was thinking of the things dat happened and didnt look out for cars, if my mum hadnt pulled me back, i could have landed in the hospital or worse, be dead now...this year was a very unpleasant one for me...first was my breakup, now was this incident...nobody can be worse off than me manx...how unfortunate i am this year...at the beggining of the year, i lost someone whom i love so much, now she is treating me like a stranger, i smsed her but get no reply from her....i am worried...i am afraid...is she ok? is she sick? is she injured? i want to noe but will she tell me? not possible ba...she dunno how i much i want to tell her all that has happened during the camp...i need her shoulder to cry on...i need her listening ear...all that i could do now is just to suffer, suffer and keep suffering...dat incident left a very great impact in my entire np life, nvr will i forget how bad and guilty i felt two days ago...i will nvr nvr forget this incident...i agree with eric...why dun they pump us or punish us in one way or another? at the very least it can make our body feel the pain...i rather have the physical punishment than suffer mentally...it hurts alot alot...i miss those days when our squad pumped tgt for our mistakes...suddenly everything just flash through my mind...tears welled as i write this entry...yes...u can say dat i am weak...indeed i am weak...i cried many times for the past two months...but i cried because not only did i lose sth dat is so important and precious to me but i also ruined my own image...my image as a CI...i failed...it seems a long long way now to earn back the trust and respect of the whole unit...esp the TOs and HOs....why must God make me regret so many things dat i have done...can he just bring me back to the past and allow me to correct my mistakes? where are u now? let me noe pls...let me noe at least dat u are ok or not...